Q: How many safety inspectors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Four. One to change it and
three to hold the ladder.
Q: How many admin assistants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. I can't do anything
unless you complete a light bulb change request form.
Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Who wants to know?
Q: How many aerospace engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. It doesn't take a rocket scientist, you know.
Q: How many Einsteins does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That depends on the speed of the changer, and the mass of the bulb. Or
vice versa, of course. Then it just might be easier to leave the bulb alone and
change the room. It's all relative.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It depends. The light bulb
really has got to want to change in the first place!
Q: How many fools who ask stupid questions does it take to change a
light bulb?
A: Change it to what?
Q: How many Sopranos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She holds the bulb while the world revolves around her.
Q: How many magicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Depends on what you want to change it into.
Q: How many social scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the
last one went out.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: Two. One to do it and one not to.
A2: "One to change and one not to change" is fake Zen. The true Zen
answer is Four. One to change the bulb.
A3: Zen Masters don't need light bulbs because they carry their own light with
them.
A4: Three. Two to fetch the wood and one to enlighten the novice.
A5: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. It's a hardware problem.
A2: Two. One always leaves in the middle of the project.
Q: How many hardware engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Any changes will have to be implemented in software.
Q: How many Real Men does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Real Men aren't afraid of the dark.
Q: How many 'Real Women' does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: A 'Real Woman' would have plenty of Real Men around to do it.
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don't last as long as light bulbs.
Q: How many Maoists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to screw in the bulb and a thousand to chant "fight darkness."
Q: How many Glaswegians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None of your ******g business.
Q: How many IBM engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. They just let Marketing explain that "Dead Bulb" is a
feature.
Q: How many survivors of a nuclear war does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. People who glow in the dark don't need light bulbs.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly
coloured machine tools.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: How many can you afford?
A2: Fifty four. Eight to argue, one to get a continuance, one to object one to
demur, two to research precedents, one to dictate a letter, one to stipulate,
five to turn in their time cards, one to depose, one to write interrogatories,
two to settle, one to order a secretary to change the bulb, and twenty-eight to
bill for professional services.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there is a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many efficiency experts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Efficiency experts replace only dark bulbs.
Q: How many actors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one. They don't like to share the spotlight.
Q: How many database programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light
bulb insertion program, and one to write a program insuring that no one else
changes the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many Macintosh users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. You have to replace the whole motherboard.
Q: How many country singers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old
one was.
Q: How many military information officers does it take to change a light
bulb?
A: At the present point in time it is against policy and the best interests of
military strategy to divulge information of such a statistical nature. Next
question, please.
Q: How many socialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to petition the Ministry of Light for a bulb, fifty to establish the
state production quota, two hundred militia to force the factory unions to allow
production of the bulb, and one to surreptitiously dial an '800' number to order
an American light bulb.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Such number as may be deemed to perform the stated task in a timely and
efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement:
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as "The Lawyer", and
the party of the second part, also known as "The Light Bulb", do
hereby and forthwith agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure
to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e., the lighting, elucidation, and
otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (north) door,
through the entry way, terminating at an area just inside the primary living
area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination
being at the option of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and not
required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties.
The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the
following steps:
1.) The party of the first part (Lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his
option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation,
grasp the party of the second part (Light Bulb) and rotate the party of the
second part (Light Bulb) in a counter-clockwise direction, said direction being
non- negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (Lawyer) with
every possible caution by the party of the first part (Lawyer) to maintain the
structural integrity of the party of the second part (Light Bulb),
notwithstanding the afore- mentioned failure of the party of the second part
(Light Bulb) to perform the aforementioned customary and agreed upon duties. The
foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural
failure of the party of the second part (Light Bulb) may be incidental to the
aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as this
agreement is concerned so long as the non-negotiable directional codicil
(counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (Lawyer)
throughout.
2.) Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (Light Bulb)
becomes separated from the party of the third part ("Receptacle"), the
party of the first part (Lawyer) shall have the option of disposing of the party
of the second part (Light Bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable
state, local and federal statutes.
3.) Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part
(Lawyer) shall have the option of beginning installation of the party of the
fourth part ("New Light Bulb"). This installation shall occur in a
manner consistent with the reverse of the procedures described in step one of
this self- same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur
in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non- negotiable.
NOTE: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of
the first part (Lawyer), by said party of the first part (Lawyer), by his heirs
and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him to do so, the objective
being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the
aforementioned front (north) door consistent with maximization of ingress and
revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as "The Firm".